Sitting in a coffee shop listening to Ani – Big Fat Cliche

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There is a yummy coffee shop with wi/fi in my neighborhood called Crossroads.  Its a good Sunday morning walk away or a quick drive on a rainy night.  They have good coffee – local ice cream and squishy couches.  The couple who run it live around the corner so snow or no snow the place is open.  I almost never come here  without running into someone.  Tonight I find myself on a purple couch drinking a coffee milkshake and blogging while I listen to Ani Difranco.  (haven’t listened to Ani in a long long time)  My book club is reading L.ove is a Mix Tape by Ro.b Sheffield.  Its a memoir about the 90s and music.  I realized that I am not one of those music people who listen to heal/think/experience.  I can’t play any instruments and I cannot cannot dance.  Music is something that plays in the background for me – except around death.  I have a soundtrack for every major death I’ve experienced.  First it was a tape, the next one a cd – now I have a playlist on my ipod.  Except Ani – she was the soundtrack for a good four years of my life.  So I find myself listening to a merged playlist of “Songs to be sad with” and Ani’s recent cd release, Canon.  Mourning my ovaries and this cycle.

I seem to have created a pattern.  I blog a sad tale – a bundle of nerves and heartache and your comments lift me up.  Then I find a new reason to blog a sad tale.  I’m not sure how to break the cycle.  Turning around to look at the last six months – i really didn’t think we would be here right now.  I absolutely without a doubt figured we would be pregnant by Christmas.  So now that time has come and gone and we aren’t pregnant.  I don’t know how to find the hope again.  The facts:

•  I am on cycle day 38, officially, 4dp iui
• Even though we detected an lh surge on the 24th and saw a good follicle at 21 on the 25th and did the deed with Charlie’s swimmer’s…seems I didn’t ovulate.  My temperature has just quite flat lined a frigid 96.8 this morning. 
• I started spotting today.
• My body has turned its back on me.  I don’t know what the f*ck it is doing.  
• i can’t quite muster up anything happy for all of my blog friends. 
• A – the strong one – has somehow gotten to this place of hopelessness too.
• I want to drink a bottle of wine.  Don’t get me wrong – I come from a family of overachieving alcoholics – I therefore am not a drinker..  but just because they is a small hope that this cycle worked…  that miniscule amount prevents me from drinking.

  We decided tonight to get through this cycle and go for number 6 next month… aided by clomid.  The prescription sits on the fridge.  Then…we will take a break.  We will be out about $7000 and 8 months.  We will break from ttc and love each other and practice being good wives and when we are ready I think we will come back.  It feels good to have a plan and to take control of the siutation wrestling it away from my cervix/uterus/and ovaries.  

Still, tonight I don’t want to have to blog about TTC anymore.  I don’t want to be part of this club.  I don’t want to know all the acronyms and websites and I don’t want to live in two week – stretching into three week segments.  I don’t want to wear the scarlet I.   I’m outrageously jealous of straight couples and I feel a little cheated that this is what we have to do.  

 ”Am I headed for the same brick wall, is there anything I can do about anything at all.”  ani, totally out of context but playing as I feel like wrapping up this blog and don’t see any good ending in sight.

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Filed under Ovulation, crazy wand acrobatics, i word, period, the egg dance, tww

Tags: failure, fertility issues, opk, ttc, tww