I hate this

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I’m sitting in a hotel room 4 hours from home by myself feeling outrageously cheated and discouraged. Here’s a recap of the last 24 hours.

Yesterday (9dpiui) I was shopping for a new something to take away with me this weekend for a work function. I found this cute suit jacket that is cut wide at the bottom so if i get pregnant there is room for a small to medium sized belly to poke out. All of the sudden I feel like I am leaking and no lie I think to myself – “what a crazy thing I’m going to have to blog about this.” Well over the next few minutes it seems to get worse so I go to the bathroom where I am surprised by blood. The myth of implantation bleeding keeps me going through till I get home and tell A. After cleaning myself up – there is no more all night. We are generally perplexed. Really 9dpo is quite early for AF, but my reading of all the google I could find on implantation bleeding definitely describes it as “scant” And I was leaking for about 10 minutes. Not exactly scant.

I sleep horribly all night waiting for AF to arrive and even get up and check twice. Around 2 I try as hard as I can to get to sleep so I can have a good four hours for a temp check. It was off and on which is why I can’t lend much credence to the highest reported temperature ever, a 98.64 higher than anything since May. So now we officially have conflicting and confusing signs. We decide to go ahead and test as planned – well all we had was a dollar store cheapie… and you guessed it – it was negative. Throughout the course of today I have had minor spotting once or twice all brown. No cramps, no sore boobies, no breakouts. I have however had sore ovaries…maybe the clomid??

Anyway, we called the doc and scheduled an appointment on Monday. He won’t renew our Clomid prescription without wanding around in there to check it all out. If I have not officially started my period, then we should be getting a pregnancy test – but my guess is, tomorrow is CD1. If I have then we are requesting an HSG and a fasting glucose test to look at my insulin…both tests he has mentioned before. I think 6 rounds officially places us in the minority (perhaps not in this blog world…but with everyone else)

We are losing hope and money and feeling discouraged… like this will never ever happen for us. All of I can think of is this poem by Lawrence Ferlinghetti:

The World is a Beautiful Place

The world is a beautiful place
to be born into
if you don’t mind happiness
not always being
so very much fun
if you don’t mind a touch of hell
now and then
just when everything is fine
because even in heaven
they don’t sing
all the time

The world is a beautiful place
to be born into
if you don’t mind some people dying
all the time
or maybe only starving
some of the time
which isn’t half bad
if it isn’t you

Oh the world is a beautiful place
to be born into
if you don’t much mind
a few dead minds
in the higher places
or a bomb or two
now and then
in your upturned faces
or such other improprieties
as our Name Brand society
is prey to
with its men of distinction
and its men of extinction
and its priests
and other patrolmen

and its various segregations
and congressional investigations
and other constipations
that our fool flesh
is heir to

Yes the world is the best place of all
for a lot of such things as
making the fun scene
and making the love scene
and making the sad scene
and singing low songs and having inspirations
and walking around
looking at everything
and smelling flowers
and goosing statues
and even thinking
and kissing people and
making babies and wearing pants
and waving hats and
dancing
and going swimming in rivers
on picnics
in the middle of the summer
and just generally
‘living it up’
Yes
but then right in the middle of it
comes the smiling
mortician

Ferlinghetti – 1955

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Filed under clomid train, crazy thing called kids, i word, pregnancy symptoms, take me to the loony bin, tww

Tags: clomid, iui, pregnancy symptom, ttc, tww