This pregnancy stuff is very emotional. I’ve found myself very down this past week.. not at all about the pregnancy itself but just about everything. I’ve been a little testy with A. and having a hard time not wanting to kill my coworkers. I think I figured it out yesterday and just confirmed it. I was cleaning the kitchen and unearthed a Patt.y Griffin cd… we bought it a few years ago after we had returned from an emergency trip to florida to visit my mother in ICU. She eventually recovered from the fall but was left with some permanent brain damage. Last April, she passed away from an unrelated illness. I can’t say it was a surprise as she was very sick but it was a shock. I hadn’t really listened the the cd aside from one song that was aptly on a mix entitled, “songs to cry to,” and popping it in to finally put it in i.tunes was a bit of a reality check.
This weekend I picked up one of the books we purchased while ttc – From the H.ips. I loved it – but while ttc I didnt read the pregnancy or birth or baby raising parts and I started making my way through them. The book is outrageously inclusive…except if you have lost your mom. I came across comment after comment about how women couldn’t have imagined going through this without their moms. Or what a relief it was to ask their mom if she had been sick of boiled eggs too. It was then that I realized i was experiencing the loss of my mother in a very profound way.
Its so complicated with her. She and I had never been close – we grew especially distant when i lost my dad at 18. We were about as opposite as mother and daughter could be. I was the perpetual adult and she was the forever child. There was nothing storybook about our relationship and frankly if she were alive I would still be mourning the lack of a mom. I know its pregnancy that is stirring up all of these things that I slowly and methodically had taken out of their boxes laundered and folded and placed in bags to give away. I’ve been dealing with having a non-mom since I was 9 and she first entered a treatment facility for alcoholism. And really before that – before I was even born when she got her diagnosis as bipolar. I feel a bit foolish being so down when something so very exciting is happening – but brains and hearts don’t always cooperate with life. I’m trying to trust that there is something to be resolved. thank god for yoga tomorrow.
Like I said, this pregnancy stuff is very emotional. I hope I can break this cycle of sadness and push through to the exciting parts. It took 10 minutes but i managed to get a belly shot with the mac.book. Our camera is officially dead. So this is our first official belly shot and my god I’m huge. I haven’t gained any weight in 4 weeks and in total have only gained 6.5 pounds… I guess suki-dot’s home gets bigger everyday.
16 Comments
April 28, 2008 at 10:16 pm
Pregnancy can be a weepy time. No guilt, please. Just go with it.
For the post below about your partner not having the flexibility to take time off, that does suck. Though to be honest (shhhhh, don’t tell) I was a little happy to get away from the scream-meister my newborn had become by the time it was time for me to get back to work. Rest-assured your partner will probably not feel that way after only a week. Some folks I’ve spoken with like divvying up the baby work so they feel like they have equally important jobs. One woman I interviewed said of being responsible for diapers, “When I’m home from work, that butt is mine!” Make her feel included and needed when she’s home. Demand that she be in charge of bathing, etc. Actually, when my partner was first home with our son, she’d pretty-much meet me at the door when I got home, say “Here,” place him in my arms and disappear into our bedroom to take a nap.
April 28, 2008 at 10:18 pm
Your belly shot looks great!! I’m sorry that this pregnancy is bringing up difficult and even unresolved emotions. I think that is not surprising, given your own transition to motherhood. That you would be thinking about your mother and mourning her. Mourning who she wasn’t, and mourning the loss of her nonetheless. I sat on a plane recently next to a woman who was reading a book about motherless mothers and the poignancy of it struck me. I wish you well in working through all of it. I love your blog and am excited for you and A.
April 28, 2008 at 11:08 pm
i completely understand the mourning. this is the first anniversary of her passing, which is always a raw time. combined with the lovely ms griffin and some pregnancy hormones, and you’ve got a recipe for achy grief. the good news is that you’re feeling it, not stuffing it or ignoring it. it sounds like you are being present with it, which is the only healthy way to get through it all.
i am so sorry that you lost your mother so many times over, and i’m sorry for the loss of your father at such a young age. (i was 18 when my dad passed as well.)
your hopeful perspective makes me hopeful that there is some letting go of old wounds happening inside you, that you are preparing to be a whole mama for your little one. nothing you are experiencing is foolish. it’s all so human, and all the more poignant as you are transitioning from daughter to mother.
i hope yoga is cleansing.
April 28, 2008 at 11:09 pm
pee ess, your iSight captured your belly beautifully
April 29, 2008 at 2:07 am
beautiful belly! i’m so jealous – mine is still non-existent!
as for the emotions and the sadness, I totally understand you on that one… glad to know that I’m not the only one going through this.
April 29, 2008 at 12:44 pm
It is okay to feel whatever you need to feel. And I agree with ohchicken, it seems that you are doing a good job of letting yourself feel them.
Take care of yourself and be well. I’m thinking of you.
April 29, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Anniversaries are always really tough for me as well. And I think a complicated and unresolved relationship that never met your needs has got to be an even more complex greiving process than the ones in which the relationship was more simple and more positive. You know yourself really well and have a lot of insight into what you are feeling. Take care–hug your wife, hug suki-dot and be well. xoxo
April 29, 2008 at 3:32 pm
Only one year from your mum’s passing – it must be so hard right now. My thoughts are with you. Maybe try taking some time for your grief and pick up some bereavement books instead of the pregnancy ones.
I hope things brighten for you and A as spring blooms. Your belly is the most beautiful thing I’ve seen all day. xoxo
April 29, 2008 at 5:43 pm
Im thinking about you. Your baby belly is gorgeous.
April 29, 2008 at 7:52 pm
wow! what a great belly..so big so early!
sorry for the sadness, pregnancy seems to heighten everything. i hope the sadness lifts for you soon.
are you having a scan soon? if so will you find out the sex?
May 1, 2008 at 6:57 am
Awesome baby bump girl!
I am sorry about your mother. Even this early in my pregnancy, my emotions are going crazy and I have had lots of sadness over the situation with my family. Knowing you’re going to become a mom yourself stirs up all this stuff doesn’t it? You are in my thoughts and hope things get better. I’m thinking ice cream could do wonders!! Maybe we could meet up at Bev’s on Cary this weekend?
May 1, 2008 at 9:39 am
This is a great belly shot! I think that pregnancy must ultimately be a really emotional experience that includes thinking about the ways in which we have been mothered as we prepare to mother.
Here’s to spring!
May 1, 2008 at 9:47 am
Brunch sounds great!
The Border Chophouse (http://www.borderchophouse.com/) on Main St & Plumb does Saturday brunch….we could meet there at 11 or 12 – whatever worked best for you guys….. Or we could do Sunday Brunch at O’Charleys on Forest Hill……I’m up for whatever. Or if you know of another place – doesn’t matter! Just let me know via my blog and I will write it down in my planner (if I don’t write stuff in there, I forget everything!).
And the hardness in the stomach sounds crazy! But I can’t wait to experience it!
May 1, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Your belly looks beautiful.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with grief, but it’s better to work through it than to swallow it. My partner had similar experiences with her mom growing up, but when she passed, it wasn’t any easier. Now not only didn’t she have the mom she needed when she was a child or young adult, but she didn’t have the mom who was finally a little more human. Our relationships with our mothers are so hard, and that is compounded with childhood issues and with becoming mothers ourselves.
Anyway, I’m keeping you in my thoughts. xoxo
May 1, 2008 at 3:22 pm
That is such a beautiful belly shot!
This must be a hard time for you, I can’t even imagine.
I always find yoga brings me to a good place, so I hope it’s working for you, too
Bisous~
May 1, 2008 at 4:58 pm
Hey, you’re the real deal! Thinking of you and hope things get easier soon.