Anniversaries and Memoirs

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I’ll spare you the usual, “sorry its been so long…its been busy…im still reading, but don’t have time to comment  intro” just know I mean it.

I dont know what part of me believed it but i really imagined that becoming a mother would help me feel more sympathy for my own mother. I really thought I would be able to understand what drove her to drink and what made her so sad. I thought that as sleepless nights piled onto sleepless nights that some shred of light would illuminate our relationship. But, no if anything I understand much less about that woman. This weekend was the 3 year anniversary of her passing. I’ve been pretty down in the weeks leading up to this. It wasn’t until this morning that I figured out that becoming a mother has made me lose faith in my own mother. It makes me understand her choices, behaviors, and quirks even less. It makes me mourn the loss of LJ’s grandmother – but not specifically my own mother.

This realization (made even worse by the memoir I just finished reading) has made me very sad.   The narrator of the book reminded me so much of my mother, it was painful to read.  I am now reading a new memoir (I get a little addicted to them when I am down)  called Middle Place.  It is about the middle place between being someone’s child and someone’s parent.  It is a sad book – but I don’t identify at all.  Which may just be the whole point.  I yearn for the safe arms of a parent, for a shoulder to sob on, for housing advice, and for a safety net.  I know that I am stronger having lived the last 13 years without that – but it doesn’t take the want away.   

Smidge

I would rather update everyone on the smidge in a seperate post – but who knows when the computer would be charged, I’ll have something to say and nap time will all coordinate again so here goes. 

• She eats – a lot.  Just about anything you give her.  Favorites? avocado, squash
• I caught her pulling up in her crib on Friday.  She might just be the freaky baby that walks before crawling since she still can’t  stand tummy time. 
• She is a busy busy girl and a confident sitter and as much as she likes to have someone to play with – she is perfectly content to play by herself.
• She has a temper.
• She now cries when she doesn’t get her way, not just when she needs something.  I’m not sure what to do about this yet. 
• She bites…  because she has two teeth…  first one appeared at 5.5 months.  She is working on 3 and 4 now…  But yes she bites – everything – including my nipple.  We are slowly learning to not bite… Nursing is just a little tense right now.  
• She has a very adorable whole-body-giggle.  
• She likes to feed herself watermelon (a net-like self-feeder object helps her)
• She loves to be outside and likes to face the wind and open her mouth and yell. 
• The amount of snot that can come out of her nose is really alarming. Between a 3 week old cold and the runny-ness of teething she has been producing snot for almost a month straight.  She has to sleep in a chair sitting up …  
• i love her so much sometimes i squeeze her, sometimes I cry, and most days I just can’t believe it.  

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