I was right on the edge of closing down this blog. I am still an avid reader and when LJ cooperates I can comment but in the list of things to be done I never can find time for blogging. I have been finding time for sewing, working, nursing, cooking, and scrambling to keep up with a cute 8 month old who doesn’t crawl but pulls herself around with her arms. In fact I think she may skip over completely the crawling …she just loves standing. You get her standing and she giggles and smilies and laughs. She has 100% mastered pulling up and will do it on anything including ottomans, her crib, the couch, and even in the pool during her first swim. Much as I love her she is not what is making me on edge.
The Edge
For those who you who know us in real life… we don’t want this spread around and we aren’t too keen to talk about it yet. It is not bad news but it is completely shocking to us and frankly I haven’t had the time to process it.
So the story goes…we were showing our sperm bank and Donor.sibling. Reg to close friends who are getting ready to start TTC. We have chosen at this point not to register with that site, but I have looked at it a few times. We knew that Charlie (our affectionate name for our donor) had offspring…But there was a new one listed. The sign-on name was eerily familiar. Looked up and told everyone in the room that I thought LJ had a biological sibling in our same city. You see I am part of a natural and attachment parents group in our city. We mainly chat online about all things cloth, boob, gentle, crunchy. I recognized the sign-in from that board. I recorded her child’s birthdate and went straight to the board when in seconds I confirmed it was the same child.
So now I’m like f*ck. I talk to this woman at least once a week. I start freaking out. I know some of you choose to have relationships with the biological siblings but to this point we had decided not to but that new information kinda threw a wrench into things… So I emailed her and basically said – We have something in common, gave her the donor number, told her I didn’t feel right having the information and not sharing it and left it open. She wrote back about shock and awe and needing time to process.
Fast forward 12 hours… we are part of a CSA in the area and every year they have a farm party… it was yesterday.. I had posted on the board that we were going and said, “we are two moms and a baby – should be easy to spot” I noticed that she was also a member of the CSA. I have to say I spent much of the party scouring for a little girl about 18 months.. I found her easily. I won’t say he looks like LJ – but they don’t look dissimilar. They have similar skin tones and her hair is how I imagine LJs will be as little tiny curls have begun to peek out of the sides… This kid had a mess of curls. I decided that if she wanted to approach the ball was in her court… we were sitting just blankets away. As we got up to leave she came over… introduced herself and her daughter (who has a very similar name as LJ) I spent out brief conversation on the verge of throwing up and tears. It was just so earth shattering.. I was so thankful that she didn’t rush up and want to be BFFs. She seemed as taken aback as we were… We left it open with no plans to get back together at a specific date just a general recognition that we would chat again. So let me recap:
Charlie has an offspring, raised by a lesbian single mother by choice, being raised less than 2 miles away, with a similar first AND middle name even though we used a donor from several states away.
So yeah… I guess you could say I am on edge. Oh and the kicker… our donor’s supply is out.
16 Comments
June 1, 2009 at 9:45 am
I think that’s an understandably jarring thing; especially when it’s something you weren’t looking for at all. I hope that you and your internet friend/now real life acquaintance can find a happy medium.
June 1, 2009 at 10:16 am
Woah – how crazy!!! What a surreal experience.
June 1, 2009 at 10:30 am
That really is so unusual. Small world?
Odd too that their names are similar.
June 1, 2009 at 10:37 am
Wow. That blows me away. I’ve considered registering at the donor registry site before. Our son has no registered half-siblings on the site but our daughter has 3. But it has never occured me that we would accidentally actually know any of them. Wow.
June 1, 2009 at 11:05 am
I imagine that must be really unsettling. It will probably take some time for the information to settle in for all of you before you can deal with it. But hopefully you’ll find a comfortable coexistence. Good luck!
(also cute pictures!)
June 1, 2009 at 11:56 am
Holy crap…what are the odds. For what it’s worth, I would be freaking out as well. That is a lot to take in, process and cope with. I would take it slow and like you said, not become BFFs, but know that each other exist and have the future open to possibilities. Wow…not sure what we would do. I do belong to DSR, mainly as a lurker and resource, not sure if we will post in the near future once munchkin is born. There is just so much to deal with that you don’t expect when you were creating a family. Good luck and for the record, I am glad you did not shut down the blog!!!
June 1, 2009 at 4:23 pm
Definitely would have thrown me as well. Just remember–nothing has to be decided today for the rest of the relationship. Take it one day as a time and see what feels right for all involved. And genes do mean something, but love makes a family.
June 1, 2009 at 5:05 pm
you rock… This is exactly what i needed to hear.
June 1, 2009 at 5:15 pm
Wow that’s a whole lot to try and process – and not just coming across them randomly but also that you’ve been talking to her for a while.
It sounds as though she is a bit freaked out too which is reassuring, hopefully you guys can work out how to deal with this but take it whatever speed you need to.
June 2, 2009 at 5:58 am
Unsettling indeed. It’s something that we worry about oo, as I’m not at all sure how I’d deal. Hope you find a way to live more comfortably with this.
June 3, 2009 at 5:25 pm
I am not sure how I would deal with this either. I am happy that it seems like she is not gungho on concept either. Because that would be really awkward. I hope you come to some peace with it.
June 4, 2009 at 1:48 pm
Oh wow Sarah. I know this is a lot to deal with right now…and probably overwhelming…I have no idea how I would handle this either. But, I know that you will get through it – just take it one day at a time and do what you feel is best for your beautiful little family. I loved tbean’s comment and it is so true! Hang in there friend. I’m here if you need someone to talk to – or someone just listen.
Lots of love to you guys.
June 5, 2009 at 10:07 am
Wow. What an overwhelming situation. When we tried a couple of donor sperm cycles, we were literally minutes away from ordering vials of the same donor that two close friends of ours used to conceive their daughter. We were reviewing the profile “one last time” and noticed an answer that reminded us of something they’d said about their donor. We called them to check and it was the same bank and donor number. Anyway, it caused all of us to think about the what-ifs in that situation and I was struck by how many different strong emotions popped up.
I know that in our family, we spend 99% of our time blissfully inattentive to how we actually got our little one – he is just ours. Something like this would completely invade that little bubble and I suspect I’d be beside myself over it.
With a little time and space, I have no doubt you will know what feels best for your family.
June 15, 2009 at 10:07 pm
wow, i can’t imagine how much time it would take to normalize such a reality.
thank you for sharing this side of the story, for charting the uncharted. i have every confidence that you will find your peace in this.
x
July 28, 2009 at 11:03 pm
Hmmm. I know one of my kids has two bio half-siblings via the donor. And I have to admit that I was dying to see what they look like ever since I learned of their existence. But like you, I don’t really have a strong interest in donor sibling relationships. He has a sibling. And I don’t need him to have a relationship based solely on some dude we might never get to know. That said, I’m glad they exist.
How do you feel about it now that you’ve had some time to digest?
July 29, 2009 at 4:37 am
wow! how unlikely!!