Beta at 18dpo was 585. All looks good. Ultrasound in two weeks.
So the past few weeks have been a rollercoaster. To catch you up –
- Doc doubled my clomid dose.
- I finally ovulated at CD18, with 5 follicles!
- We inseminated the day before and the day of
- 12dpo we got a BFP
- Beta was 39, doc was concerned it might be low so I retested (nurse said it looked fine but wanted to chat with doc before she told me)
- No pregnancy symptoms to speak of.
Really, you would think with one kid in my house and lots of personal and friend and IVP experience with this TTC journey I would be able to shed some of the bitter jealousy upon learning of someone’s pregnancy. In fact, no. I am very much still an angry bitter lady – with the caveat that I am still genuinely happy for first time pregnancies. Babies past that and I am a bitter mess.
So obviously the last try was out. And the Clomi.d made me crazy this round. My acupuncturist said my liver was angry. Something was angry because once again we missed ovulation. Once again we took some swimmer and gave it a hail mary try with low hopes. Seems as you age your ovulation and LH surge windows can sometimes shrink. So now I will be testing with an OPK 2-3 times a day. Bloody Hell.
If I am not pregnant something is wrong with my breasts. I feel like all my milk ducts just turned back on.
Testing in a few days.
So when we were discussing conceiving number 2 – I always said that I felt less desperate about it. Originally the quest was to become parents and since we were already parents and blessed with the amazing LJ, I didn’t think we would go to crazy (albeit perfectly normal) extremes to conceive.
Well, I was wrong. I feel just as desperate and anxious and mixed up as I did the first go around. I am reminded rather forcefully that TTC is a very emotional process for me.
We are about half way through the TWW and I have low hopes – I had already ovulated when we went in for the IUI, but we went ahead because I was almost certain that I had ovulated at 9pm the night before (thank you clomid-cantalope ovaries) which still put us in about a 14 hour window. When looking at the swimmers afterwards the doc said, “Whoah! These guys are wild. If there is an egg, these guys will find it.”
I remember now that about half way through is when the crazy stuff starts – you start wiping with a purpose ( you know what I am talking about right?) You read into zits, sore body parts and cramps. Today if I had to guess I would say I am not pregnant. I so hope to be – but that would be a little wild. Getting pregnant on the first try is always my wish for someone entering the TTC journey – but I never really believe it happens.
Yesterday I bought pregnancy tests since I am an early tester. Today I overlayed my successful cycle with my current cycle. I reminded myself we got a + on day 11. I figured out when that was. I really need to get busy to make it through the next 5 days.
I was mentioning to someone the other day that we keep our journey close to our chest – my standard answer when someone asks is yes, we will be trying sometime in the next year. I realized this week that by keeping it close I have few people to talk to. So, IVP. I think I am back.
Speaking of close to the chest – As I know more of your IRL and on face.book, please keep what is said here, just here.
It feels like a million years since I last blogged. I have an almost three year old now. Over the last 3 years of her life this blog has suffered greatly. In its place I became an avid tweeter, started a tumblr, maintain an instagram, created a pinterest, and manage a facebook page. Social Media took the place of this blog. I am so happy to be connected to a few of you in those spheres.
What I have learned about myself is that I am not a blogger. I needed to blog because I needed a community of women to surround me and hold me up as I tried to get and stay pregnant. We had no community or friends that had tried. So 4 years ago (this month) I started my blog and had our first IUI. My world now looks so very different. It is overflowing with kids and families and a wonderful community and for that I am so grateful.
So, why am I here. Well today my friends I find myself at CD1 and even though it was not the plan all along – for lots of reasons, we have decided I will carry our next child. And who else but you all understand the gravity of CD1.
Due to a homophobic health insurance rule I’ve waited out a 6 month waiting period, started acupuncture, and discovered I have ce.liac. I’ve started prenatals and had new labs drawn and charted and opked. And now, here I am back at CD1. I am ready and excited to grow our family but dreading the emotional rollercoaster of trying.
So lovely IVP, hello. Not sure I will visit again but wanted to check in with my original community. If you play in one of those social media circles and want to find me, let me know and I will be found.
Oh yes, here is the kid. She is wonderful and terrifyingly headstrong, eloquent and logical, cautious and imaginative. I love her so.